Auick Gakes Gime!
Quick takes time.
Between the strange changes in weather, the lock down drills at work and receiving positive feedback from a notoriously
1 A couple of months ago, a relative suggested that I consider selling my rosaries (and other craft items) online. I have a storefront on etsy, a list of crafts I want to finish before I post anything for sale, an upcoming class on earrings and if I'm going to do this right... a home business workshop in May to attend.
To say that I'm a bit overwhelmed is an understatement.
I'm still asking myself if I'm doing this to supplement my income (which has been a point of contention at home) or if I'm aiming to fund my "escape to the convent" plan (which is what I'm now calling it).
2 Speaking of "escape to the convent"...
I put aside my discernment binder over a month ago when my Doctor dropped a bombshell on me. I'm still waiting to hear back about scheduling one last test, and really, I thought I'd have had it scheduled and gone to my follow up by now. The plan was to have things confirmed before talking to my spiritual director, but it doesn't look like it's going to happen so...guess who gets to e-mail her S.D. this weekend! (Answer: me)
The fact is, I went from being uncertain yet aimed toward a particular community, sharing pictures of saints and sisters on Tumblr... to a month where I pretty much didn't want to post anything. If I did, I reblogged some dance things or a few outfits that were cute yet modest. My heart wasn't in it. It wasn't in anything. Even after this week, when it seemed like maybe I'm finally starting to pick up the pieces and branch out, I'm so concerned with taking the right steps in the right direction that I haven't been able to take any steps with confidence. It's not an enjoyable fact about the last six weeks, but a fact I have to admit.
3 Fact: If you buy a statue of Our Lady of Carmel from the local Rite Aid, they will ask if you're Portuguese.
...Also a fact: They had this gem on sale 50% off with your rewards card.
...Another fact: This lovely duo rode shotgun on the way home from the store.
4 Just moments ago, I derailed a conversation about college, professors, and the desire to study with a question on what drives us, and whether in five or ten years we'll still struggle for a sense of identity and purpose, or would we in fact settle for something we know wouldn't make us happy. I find it depressing that no where in my question (or our answers) did we allow for the possibility of actually being happy, confident, at peace or otherwise satisfied in not knowing the exact nature of our purpose.
5 While talking with a friend and fellow dancer from down south, I had an epiphany. Several, I think. At some point while talking about feeling lonely or ignored at social functions, I got mad. Really mad. So mad that I was ticked off at several people, including myself, over unrealistic expectations. In the end, I was tired of hoping that something would click and things I hoped would change would just magically change on their own in the blink of an eye.
I should backtrack a bit and mention that the book I'm reading keeps talking about becoming the best version of you. The book, other people's blog posts this week, a homily and a few various discussions from radio hosts all talking about the same thing: becoming the best version of you. And me, wanting to be noticed, standing alone and feeling sorry for myself isn't the best version of me. Waiting hopelessly for a certain guy to have a change of heart instead of enjoying his friendship? ...not the best version of me. Repeating and amplifying the judgements and insults about my worth and making myself feel less of a human? ...definitely not the best version of me!
So while I may not know what the best version of me looks like, I do know that God didn't create me to be self-depreciating. If the best version of me is stop denying my interests or step out of my comfort zone and do something that is frightening... then I've got to do it. I've got to get angry when I'm working against myself...get fired up when others tell me I'll fail because they just don't have the same vision I have. I need to stop waiting and get out there already!
6 Next week I'm planning on having another "guess how many box tops are in the jar" contest. I had it ready for this week, but another two classes dropped off a large number of box tops for me at the last minute. So next week... guess the box tops! The winner may get a rosary, a book, a hair accessory put together by moi, or some other goody (I just haven't decided).
7 I've spent too many minutes this week on videos that make family life seem hilarious and interesting. (Even the rainy day stuff)
No, seriously... give it a shot. Unless you're a fan of Arturo Trejo (and the rest of the family: Nancy and Jose Luis...) in which case, you already know of their epicness.
But watch it anyway.