(If you're curious about the lack of Papa Benny intel, it's because I'm in total denial until a new Pope is announced.)
There are days where I stand outside one of my classrooms, look around, and think to myself:
Can I run away to the convent yet?
...those days are called Thursdays.
What's funny about this Thursday's wishful thinking is that I arrived home to find a letter from one of the Benedictines waiting for me. The letter was to inform me of their volunteer program and invite me to prayerfully consider participating. It can last anywhere from two weeks to five months (depending on my availability) but, as the letter says, it would be an opportunity to further discern if religious life is where I'm feeling called.
There was a time, long ago, where I would come across this situation and take it as a sign.
Tuesday was....not helpful.
I mentioned Sunday that I had an appointment with the Doc to go over the last round of blood work and came away with two things she wants to look into and another three months of waiting (unless I'm lucky and can get an ultrasound soon, and that it actually shows something). So pretty much...nothing new to report.
I was discouraged by the lack of progress, and the Doc suggested taking a few classes (even though I already have plans to) and to "get your Bachelor's degree" (those close to me may recall that I already have a degree) and to "go out and get a job that offers health insurance" (as if I haven't tried?). I know she's trying to be helpful, but it wasn't helpful.
I really don't know why I'm pursuing this... pretty much, the end result of it all would be a healthier body, lower risk of an early death, and a better chance of conceiving a child (should I marry and go down that road). I keep making the choice for health, longer life... a future I'm afraid of and almost certain is the least likely of all options. But parallel to this is the unhealthy thought of rejecting the world. (Not in a "in the world, not of the world" sense, but in the "my life ambition will be to turn my heart cold and live life as a total Grinch...or recluse). In fact, several times this week, I wondered if I could run away to the convent already. Or if that wasn't a viable option, wondering how difficult it would be to become a wealthy recluse.
People... who needs them, right?
(*Note the sarcasm*)
However, the next night, one of the RCIA participants shared a story that hit home and brought to the surface something I need to keep reminding myself: stay present.
I tend to focus on step #42 when I'm still working on step #2. I have a unique position in my life with regards to duties and opportunities, and I need to be mindful of those instead of worrying about things that won't happen unless I take care of what is right in front of me. And right now, I'm a single woman who needs to get her priorities strait and carve out some heavy-duty prayer time (not to mention, down time).
I'm close to aging out of DTS (Dead Theologians Society.... a young adult's group where we pray and learn about saints and fellowship and wear cool hoodies) and the topic of Theology on Tap has come up. And by 'come up', I mean "three of us agreed that the idea of discussing teachings and practices over a pint would be a good idea because, you know....fellowship".
I don't mind the idea of Theology on Tap, in fact, I don't mind the idea of opening up a bottle of pinot noir and having a long discussion with close friends out on the back patio.
I just have to find people who are interested in coming over to drink what last week's house guests bought and left all throughout the fridge because none of it is tea...or wine...and therefore a waste to me.
|Either the Silence have been here...or it's new lipstick day.|
I also managed to lose the mouse to my computer, somehow fix it so that certain buttons (that are MUCH NEEDED) won't work on my laptop, sold $85 worth of books and cds, catalogued seven new lipsticks (I just needed one) and started in on a bit of a clean out in two of the rooms here at the house. The plan is to pace myself, group like items together and photograph/list no more than 20 items each weekend until the bulk of it gets sold.
I'd save it all and hold a yard sale, but long story short... it's just too much to handle by myself.
I struggle with appearances. Not just self-image, but in seeing things as something other than selfishness or vanity. Things like make up, coloring my hair... even paying more than $15 on an piece of clothing seemed a waste to me.
But since December, I've slowly accepted that putting effort into appearances isn't necessarily selfish or vain. And in struggling to identify my role in our unconventional family, I've come to the following conclusions:
1) I'm no longer needed as nurse; I'm now acting in the role of P.A. (personal assistant) in regards to my duties at home.
2) The make up, hair, and clothes are part therapy, part job-related. I'm not taking pride in my appearance or devoting unhealthy time and attention toward it...but using it to build up my confidence and show myself a bit of what others see in me. Just as my job in the classroom has helped to nurture the abandoned child within, the clothes and make up help to connect something intangible that needs a bit of healing.
Also, Grandma would prefer if I stopped escorting her around in yoga pants. Especially if I'm running errands on her behalf.
3) Knowing what works for me and being able to say "no" to clothes that I don't like/don't look good on me will help me in other areas where I need to speak up and say "no" more often.
--6--How is your Lent coming along?
I feel like I'm on the cusp of something, yet I don't know what.
I probably should have asked this at the beginning of this week's Quick Takes, but why do anything the conventional way?
Have you been watching TLBD? As "The Lizzie Bennet Diaries" winds down (the cast just wrapped up their final day of filming) I just had to share the latest video. It's not for the inevitability of Jane/Bing Lee, but (spoiler alert!) for what Bing had to say to Jane: namely, his "I'm not asking you to stay; I'm asking to go with you." I want to say so much about how it captures some aspect of love--that love isn't about asking others to give up their plans or change for us; but joining with them on the adventure of life, no matter where it leads to.
But really, I just love "Pride and Prejudice" adaptations, and can't wait until Darcy returns.