WIWS: Waiting

I feel like I've been doing a lot of waiting. 

I waited all morning (and into the afternoon) for Grandpa to come home from golf so I could go to mass..
I waited two and a half hours to savor my tea...

I waited half an hour in the chapel, praying my anxiety would subside...

I was waiting for tests to be scheduled, but now after waiting for ten weeks, I'm waiting another two days for my test results.

I almost didn't make it to mass tonight, wanting nothing more than to lock myself in my room, ignore the mob of people in the front room and have a good cry. 

Instead... I got dressed, left the family gathering, and drove to mass where I sat in a corner of the chapel and silently wept as Padre gave his homily on carrying our crosses. "We don't carry our cross alone..." he began, going on to remind us that while we're asked to pick up our crosses, God doesn't ask us to do it on our own.   There is support in the way of other people, in the writings of those who've gone before us, and always...with God.

I know he said more about it, and for the life of me, I just can't remember what it was. I was praying before mass for help: my crosses are too much to keep carrying on my own. One, the one that has thrown my life into a tailspin of sorts in December, I'll have to face on Tuesday. (I'm not one to give up when there is a shred of hope, but I'm ready to sit this one down and do my grieving once and for all so I can move on) 

Another cross has been my family: time and time again this week, I've been reminded (in word and deed) how lost worse off things are when I'm not there to pick up the pieces and keep track of them all. It's a cross I chose to pick up, and it's painful and isolating. I'm a caregiver, even when I'm not needed as much as I was six years ago. But six years of observing my grandmother's behavior has taught me that this week (the next few days at least) will be tough as the stress of having so many family members descend upon us takes effect. 

The third cross we don't speak of. We acknowledge that there are times when I try really really hard to act like a normal, happy individual to keep my friends and family from worrying, but also, that there are times when I can't pretend I don't want to lock out the world and wallow 'in the feels'.

And what I really needed today, more than a hug from my best friend or free tea... was to hear Padre's homily and be allowed to quietly cry in the presence of the Lord.

awkward angle

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This week's outfit:

Top: Purple/white frilly tank top and matching long purple cardigan from Lane Bryant
Bottoms: Black multi-textured skirt (knee length) at steep discount from Lane Bryant

Shoes: Toms

Hair?: nothing fancy (oh, and my bronze veil)

Accessories: just my crucifix