Scribbles and Bits

This Is Where I Write

2012-02-28T23:01:00.000-08:00

Another blog that I have followed for years invited others to share their writing spaces.

Immediately, my mind went to work changing the lyrics of "This is why I'm hot" to "This is where I write" and running with it.

This is where I write:

It's a corner of my room.

If I'm not sitting precariously on the corner of the trunk, I'm sitting precariously on an exercise ball.

...or attempting P90X

This is where I write:

...on a bed

...with piles of random papers scattered about to make me look like I'm working

...oh, and plenty of comfy pillows.

This is where I write:

...on a Netbook

This is where I write:

...topics

...ideas

...funny memes

This is where I write:

...everything else.

I am a prolific note taker and will write on any and all avaliable writing surfaces.

Doodling counts as writing, right?

Sunday Best: Sending

2012-02-26T21:24:00.002-08:00

I nearly freaked out.

I had been prepped earlier in the day as to what would happen in Mass, but suddenly I found myself in a panic. I felt like I forgot everything.

It was very simple: Father says "Hey everyone! This person is in the home stretch and will soon be one of us. Let's pray for her as we send her on her journey" (hence... Rite of Sending). All I had to remember was to go up to the front with my sponsor when called.

...but I didn't have a sponsor.

I had a friend who went through everything I am about to go through (albeit, two years ago) and so at the last minute I put him on the spot and motioned for him to walk up with me.

I think we were both glad that neither of us fainted.

Can I Share a Secret?

2012-02-24T21:35:00.000-08:00

...I still want to go to a discernment weekend.

In high school (though I don't think I admitted it to others, and it would have seemed nutters of me to do so at the time), I looked upon nuns with high respect. It was so far removed from where I was, who I was ...what I thought I'd become... and yet I still thought with all of the obstacles I'd have to overcome for it to be possible, the life of a Sister would be far easier (and more rewarding) than any I could think of or would be willing to enter into myself. True, it isn't 'easier', but I can think of so few I would find as rewarding as that.

It's still there, the desire to at least check it out.

I still get e-mails inviting me to discernment weekends.

I know there are still obstacles, and that it would take years for it to happen... but it's still possible.

...just throwing that out there.

Preparation

2012-02-24T21:25:00.000-08:00

I honestly don't feel like Lent is (or should be) a test of willpower.

Lent, at least for me... this year... is an extended period of preparation. There are things still to learn, to memorize... to make a part of my daily or weekly routine. The things that would be sacrificed were activities that would distract me from my task, or (as with dance lessons) took up valuable time that I needed for study.

There are new experiences... such as Stations of the Cross (of which I joked should be counted as exercise, or at the very least a warm up), veiling, praying a full rosary with others (and being made to do it the right way instead of my imperfect "close enough" way of doing it).

And there have been new understandings... being realistic with my fitness goals, the awareness of how much stuff occupies my room that is unnecessary and could honestly be sold or given away ...even realizing how over-extended I am with my time and energy and letting go of activities that leave me worse for wear.

I wish there was more I could share: the sudden and curious awareness of my own voice, anchored in prayer... the mixture of calm and enthusiasm when sharing a bit of my story with a Sister in Illinois... the "church smell" that has permiated my bedroom and how that scent makes me feel like I'm home.

But as much as these singular (and fleeting) moments of clarity are, I just can't express them with words in a way that they wouldn't make me seem like I've gone batty. It, this overall experience I'm having, is like being called into some grand adventure far greater than any I could dream about...

And I simply have to trust and respond with a resounding "Yes!"

Lent: Dancing Around the Topic

2012-02-23T22:01:00.000-08:00

First, let me start by mentioning that I went to a dance convention, competed in a beginners category in West Coast Swing, and took home a 2nd place medal. Psyched? You bet!

But that was last week and it's time to buckle down.

I floundered on what I would give up for Lent. A week before Ash Wednesday, I had convinced myself that it was my dancing that needed to be sacrificed until Easter. To be more specific, the time and money spent on going out of town for lessons, dances and other related events needed to be offered up.

For starters... isn't it something that we love or enjoy that we are to be giving up? If so, dancing is something I love; something I enjoy. And (as I recently read) it was a custom in years past to take the money you would have spent on (whatever you are giving up) and donate it. Let's see... if I'm just talking a once-a-week lesson, and at the current price of $4.09 per gallon for the inexpensive gas...

I'm spending $105.44 just to drive to the city once a week to take a lesson or attend a dance that includes a lesson. This doesn't include the occasional trip up north for a dance.

There is also the time spent driving to and from events. Honestly, I could use that time for things that are physically and spiritually healthier for me (like sleeping, or memorizing the Creed for that matter... something which I intend to do during Lent).

So yes, in spite of forgetting myself and going through a few moves last night at a local coffee venue... I am giving up dance for Lent.

We'll see how this goes.

Ash Wednesday

2012-02-22T12:45:00.001-08:00

This is Ash on a Wednesday...

Getting her ashes...

For (her first) Ash Wednesday

Hotel Room Notations

2012-02-18T14:02:00.006-08:00

(Written while at an out of tow dance convention/competition)

I have always wanted to go on retread, and in a way, I suppose this trip has been just that. I came (alone) with the singular purpose of participating in a dance contest. But these first 24-hours alone have been... I don't know how else to describe it other than "meditative".

When I arrived at the hotel and unpacked my overnight bag, it struck me how (in spite of being able to travel light) I brought so much that wasn't needed. I did need a toothbrush and toothpaste, but the other travel toiletries I brought (as well as those provided at the hotel) were unnecessary. I set out my bottle of body wash (to use as soap and shampoo) and packed the rest back in my bag.

Then came my makeup. I brought nearly everything I owned, which wasn't much to begin with. I only wear two things on a normal basis: chap stick and foundation with SPF. I looked over the remainder in their shiny containers and tossed them in the garbage.

That night, I was content to eat alone (a small soup and salad which were more than filling), content with skipping vendor booths and even when I nearly left without my street shoes, realized I didn't really need those either. Though, to be honest...I did go back and get my shoes.

I am in anticipation, wanting to get home sooner so that I can take a look around the house and see what else I don't need.

(on a side note... I took second in that competition)

Fit Friday: 1, 2, Ouch

2012-02-16T17:49:00.001-08:00

We are about to see how fit I am as my evening of dance.is set to begin in another 12 minutes.
...ant at this moment, I'm wishing I took my Mortin. My knees hurt already.

Valentine

2012-02-14T23:11:00.000-08:00

At work, one of the children saw the growing pile of Valentine goodies on my table. I had just remarked to a student that there was so much, I would have to share it with others.

"You should share those with your son," the boy commented.

I felt a tinge of sadness, kind of like when you're always the single gal surrounded by couples getting engaged and married. "I don't have any kids." I told him in my best 'oh well' voice.

This seem to puzzle him. "...why?"

So many reasons ran through my mind to respond to why it was impossible for me to have children of my own.

"...because all of you are enough for me."

He seemed pleased as he returned to handing out Valentines.

Rainy Days and Mondays and St. Therese

2012-02-13T16:37:00.003-08:00

If this were Sunday, I would post a photo of the backyard as the constant drizzle plays with the water in the pool. Or possibly the patio, as Grandpa's hammock narrowly misses the leak from the roof above.

But it's Monday.

I sit here reflecting on the same lessons I get each time I read (or watch) a piece on a particular young woman who passed on 115 years ago. Between her simple faith and my own tendencies for minimalist living, I'm brought back to the plans I once made. Things like "packing light" that was once more of a way of life, now is a choice as having so much in the way of possessions overwhelmes and distracts me. And then there were the contemplations of the religious-- those who devoted their lives to God whose collars and habits distinguish their lives from so many.

I still get letters and phone calls asking how my journey is faring, and whether I have questions on discernment. I can see so much I wish to learn from sisters and brothers who have given themselves over to being God's servents. I can see it in my mind, how the structure of their days, their vows, can be of help in the home.

Change, in the best of ways, comes from being faithful in the little details of our lives.
I'm thinking St. Therese would approve.

Fit Friday: Demotivational

2012-02-10T23:33:00.000-08:00

The last week has been horrible where my fitness goals are concerned. In fact, this looks like it's going to be the second day of no exercise. Two days and it feels like forever.

On the plus (and stressful) side, next week I'm traveling to a dance conference for a couple of days. I'm excited, and nervous, as I'm hoping to arrive in time to get a spot for the 101 J&J (dancers new to that style... Jack and Jill competition) that is slated for the first night. If I am ready to go Thursday morning, and leave right after work... I should make it in time.

In fact, I had to make a few returns in town and decided to use the store credit to get a new outfit for the event. I ended up with jeans (something I'm not accustomed to... in fact, I just don't do jeans). Not only that, but weeks ago when I started P90x, I wore a certain size but in stretchy pants. They were tight, but had enough give that I could wear them in spite of being a size larger than that. When I tried on the jeans, I picked out that size and...they fit. They weren't stretchy. They didn't cut off my ability to breath. They...fit.

So it looks like I might be dancing in denim next week. I just need to finish my housework and get back on the exercise horse in the meantime.

For the Third Time

2012-02-07T23:28:00.000-08:00

Twice in the past week I sat down to write.

Twice, my emotions took over and the intent of my message strayed.

Twice... I walked away without posting. I would say it was because I didn't feel it was coherent or fitting with the normal topics of choice, but between you and me, it was because I didn't want to hear from some of the people who might possibly read it.

Really... I didn't want to his "Publish" and wake in the middle of the night to a text message from someone I haven't heard from in days, weeks... months.

To make two incredibly long and convoluted stories short: I am struggling. I struggle to pursue a dream that no one save for I want to actually happen. I struggle with the loneliness and anxiety that naturally comes along with isolation. I struggle with depression (which, to be honest, is a chronic thing that I do have a diagnosis for, and have had for some years) and the apparent lack of hope in the foreseeable future. I even struggle with wanting there to be a future.

So pray for me, if you will, but do not send me a message assuming you know what is wrong, and why, and how it is I should fix it.
Don't call to ask how I am doing as if I just moved to a new city and am still adjusting to my surroundings. And for the love of Mary... if you do contact me, do not start off with "If I were you, I'd..." because you are not me. You are not here. You have not been in contact with me and therefore don't know what you would even be advising me on. (remember, there was that little word earlier... isolation?)

With that, perhaps I will hit the "publish" button and go to sleep where shortly, as it has every morning, my alarm will ring to remind me that another dawn does approach.

It's Not Failing... It's Finding Your Weak Points

2012-01-25T06:54:00.000-08:00

I knew going into this that I wouldn't be able to do everything.
I knew that my triceps, my abdominal muscles... really, ALL my muscles were weak and that I'd likely struggle to complete the exercises in P90x.

Maybe I can't do it all.
Maybe I can only do a few, but if I keep that dvd going... if I keep challenging myself to do those few plus one more, two more, a few more...

That's where growth happens!

That's how I get stronger, more disciplined.

So be it P90x, or praying the rosary daily (something I decided to start along with daily exercise)... I may not be able to it every bit of it now. I may need to modify an exercise, or use a book or smartphone app to help me remember the prayers, but if I just keep at it and stay consistent... If I try to do what I can and then a bit more rather than give up all together...

I'll eventually get there.

Fit Friday: Excitement of Shallow Things

2012-01-20T13:17:00.000-08:00

When asked about what I'm most looking forward to over the next three months (in terms of fitness/health goals) my answer was simple, if not a bit shallow: "Fitting into my size 16 dress at Easter."

Shallow...

I confess that I have been one of those snobs who think any reason relating to physical appearance is shallow and therefore, not a good reason for losing weight. For as long as I can remember, the concept of being thin had little to do with being healthy. No, I grew up being reminded that I would never succeed at a career, be taken seriously, or meet a good man who'd appreciate me... unless I was thin.

Year after year, it was "...people judge you by your size..." or "you'd make more money (have a larger income) if you didn't weigh so much..." and "If you'd just lose weight, you'd have guys fighting to ask you out."

The sad thing is... it's true. Studies have shown that people who are at an attractive size (healthy/athletic or even slightly underweight) do make more money per year than their overweight counterparts. People DO judge others by appearances. And dating?... recent forums discussing body type have reflected this. Even when we insist that we are looking for a mate who meets non-physical requirements (having mutual interests and values, for example) we still judge the other based on the physical. We see someone and try to interpret their lifestyle, eating habits...even their hobbies based on what we see.

I want to fit into this dress and be smaller than I was in high school...
I want to be slimmer and have guys pay attention to me...
I want to look in the mirror and have the picture in my mind match what I see in my reflection...
I want to be at a healthier weight and size so that I can go forth in my life with more confidence to do the things that matter most to me (meet a nice guy, date, get married, start a family...)

I want to fit into that dress on Easter, because Easter begins a whole new chapter in my life that I am looking forward to.

I am excited by this shallow goal, this real possibility of fitting into a simple dress... because underneath the shallowness are so many deeper reasons, so many possibilities and hopes, yearning to spring forth.

"Dear Friend..."

2012-01-17T01:04:00.000-08:00

I think this video says so much about how I prefer to write... "as if we're in the middle of a conversation" and as "oldest of friends instead of what we really are: two people who have never met."

...I wanted this video. For some reason, I thought about this movie and this particular scene in which Meg Ryan expresses herself so honestly and we're left with this sense that maybe, she's giving up. With her "I just wanted to say... all this nothing has meant more to me than so many.. somethings", she leaves whatever they had, or could have, out there for Tom Hanks to decide on.

I only wish I could express myself so honestly and with such beauty. Even this evening while chatting with a friend about feeling defeated... I felt like I needed to carefully choose my words and keep hidden the hopelessness that had pierced my emotions. It wasn't to mislead my friend (and in fact, every word I said was true), but I thought that it was better to contain the sorrow I was feeling and the depths from which it came than to be completely honest and share with another. It was selfish of me to think that it was anything other than a cowardly act on my part.

I do get defeated. My thoughts never cease and at times, they overwhelm me.

I wonder if I'm to go at life without a companion. The darkest nights are these in which I simply need to be held, to have a shoulder to silently cry on... to be told that the world...that life...isn't as bleak and unending as my faulty filters perceive it to be.

Nights like these, I need a hug.

Instead, I come home to an empty abode and wonder if it will be like this the rest of my days. And that, would be one of the cruelest fates of all: to want so much for a house filled with love, for a family...but instead, to be alone and craving.

And with that, dear friend, I bid you good night.

Sunday Best: A Tale of Two Videos (aka, Beware of Guest Writer)

2012-01-15T23:09:00.000-08:00

A funny thing happened on the way home from Mass...

Actually, a video has popped up that left me..

"Pissith"

No. It left me hesitant to...

"Pissith"

...respond.

I should pause this conversation to inform you that we are joined today by ... how shall I say this.

"Nacho Bel Grande... and you can quote me on that!"

...a friend. A friend and fellow blogger informed me to the beginnings of a discussion (to put it mildly) on Facebook concerning the "Love Jesus, Hate Religion" video (and a Catholic-centered response video). To be fare, the discussion sprang up in various parts, on different users' walls. The discussion seems to center on two things: a) Was the original an attack on Catholicism (or any other particular denomination), or just organized religion as a whole? and b) the validity of the individual points made in the original video.

What is this video? Take a look...

Me: I honestly don't see this as attacking any denomination in particular, but I can see how it could be construed as much. If you're wanting to see an attack, or have been around people attacking your faith or putting you into a defensive mode... sure. You can pick up on certain points and say "Hey! They're attacking (insert church/denomination here)...both as a bad thing (attacking yours) or good (attacking a church/denomination you disagree with).

NBG: Exactly! He doesn't discriminate: he attacks Christianity equally.

Me: Why are you holding that shotgun?

NBG: ...it makes more sense than this guy.

Me: What about the individual points...shall we go through those? The first is 0:21 ("What if I told you Jesus came to abolish religion?")

NBG: He didn't come to abolish the law... but to fulfill it.

Me: ...have a scriptural reference for that?

NBG: Yeah, it's the one where he says "I came to fulfill the law, not to abolish it." (cracks open Bible on Nook) Yep, right after the Beatitudes... we should know this.

Me: How about 0:35? ("...why has it (religion) started so many wars?") I realize that people have fought wars in the name of God... this isn't even isolated to Christianity.

NBG: Exactly... darn those indians.

Me: Native Americans?

NBG: ...I don't know. But back to the point. Worship cannot start wars. It's a physical impossibility. People fought wars in the name of God, but not at His command. Just because they said they were doing it doesn't mean they should have been.

Me: How about "Why does it build huge churches, but fails to feed the poor?" ...by your own logic, religion cannot build a church (physical impossibility). People build churches.

NBG: ...How did it fail to feed the poor? (Mimics Larry King) "Hello poor? You're on the line.."

Me: What about John the Baptist? (0:53)

NBG: ...that wasn't religion. That was... what was that (female dog)'s name? She asked for the head of John the Baptist.

Me: Religion as behavior modification? (1:06) ...this seems ripe for its own post, to be honest. Behavior modification and faith are not the same. Or identifying someone as Christian by their Facebook? (1:22)

NBG: No, see? That's where he's right. I can be identified as a Christian by my Facebook. No, I'm not a True Christian™, I'm an actual Christian. My Facebook screams that I'm a sinner. True story.

Me: I almost want to address the point at 1:42 (acting as if we're created to go out carousing and having fun with sin)... seeing as we JUST heard about it in mass today.

NBG: You know, this sounds like your problem. Maybe you need to take a good hard look at yourself and stop trying to place the blame on something else.

Me: Did you just rhyme?

NBG: Yeah, I'm a poet from way back... yesterday.

Me: "It's not a museum for good people, but a hospital for the broken." ...I love that line. I also hear it, or something similar, often enough. Probably because of RCIA and learning/discussing what the church is and does and why it is actually important to TRY and... Yeah. I've got nothing but support for this line. But it's how denominations, or individual churches, act this out. Do we say "these people are good examples... be like them." or do we say "there is something wrong and we need to get back with God." Do we praise those who outwardly, seem to have it together? Or do we see the ones hurting, the ones knee-deep in sin and brokenness, and help them.

NBG: ...yep.

Me: 2:11..."I want that man." I know you want to say something about this.

NBG: Well... okay, then. Goodbye, free will. Been nice knowing you.

Me: ...or "so much better than just following some rules"?

NBG: Ever done 110 mph on the highway? ...I have...

Me: (2:20ish) ...and would we let Jesus into our church?

NBG: He's there every time I go!

Me: Same here. In fact, I went twice today... and visited with him last Thursday. No joke... it's called "Adoration". I wrote a blog post about my experience.

NBG: And he was called a glutton and a drunkard by religious men... well, so was I!

Me: (2:30) What about Jesus and religion being on opposite spectrum? Didn't you look up the definition of religion earlier?

NBG: Yeah, "worship of God or other supernatural beings".

Me: Son of God... and 'worshiping of God'... opposite spectrum? "One is the cure, the other the infection." This just doesn't compute with me. Like, "I'm the Son of God... don't worship me!" or something.

NBG: Dr. Frankenfurter once said "Maybe the rain really isn't to blame. So I'll remove the cause, but not the symptom."

Me: What about the part about it being not by our merits, but by Jesus' obedience?

NBG: Jesus was obedient?! He came here for us!

Me: Does this mean I don't have to do anything? ...don't have to try avoiding sin or loving my neighbor as myself? I mean, if what's done is done, and I'm forgiven because God wanted me... does this make any sense?

NBG: Yep, perfect sense. We don't got to do nothing. Let's go rob a bank.

Me: ...How about we just go get ice cream.

NBG: ...eh, close enough.

Fit Friday: Reasons

2012-01-13T23:13:00.000-08:00

On Facebook, I'm a part of an accountability group for P90x.

...I am not physically able to do P90x, and in fact, I have a similar program that I have struggled with that isn't as physically challenging at P90x (though, it's a big challenge for me) but I need accountability to stick with the program I have so I can work up to P90x. I have a knee injury I waited 20 years to get checked out (I'm still strengthening the muscles around it, to prevent future injury). I also have a number of reasons to stick with my ongoing lifestyle changes:

* Easter will be amazing this year. By amazing, I mean "first communion and confirmation" amazing. I even have an Easter dress already that I'm determined to wear. ...DETERMINED...

* I have a lengthy family history of cancer and diabetes. That's a family tradition I'd like to avoid.

* I found a sweater from when I was in high school. I gained a total of 5 lbs between my first day as a freshman, and my graduation. Why is this sweater (and being able to wear it) significant? My ten year reunion is this fall.

* On Monday, I went to a new dance class. I felt almost guilty, as though I was cheating on my usual dance styles. And though anticipating difficulty transitioning from an 8-count Lindy Hop to a 6-count West Coast style of swing, it actually went quite well. We covered two lessons in one. In fact, one lady said it was easy for me (to learn a new style) because I was a dancer. ...I'm a dancer... You know when you're asked what your dream is? Or (as I asked my students earlier this week) what it is you wish? ...I still remember being little and wanting so much to take dance lessons. I wanted to dance, hands down. I still do. And I want to become more confident in my body.... to be athletic in a dance sense. I may never jog for miles, or run a marathon, or play sports...but I want the stamina to dance for hours. I also need a body able to meet the physical demands of a dancer (one that wouldn't be a prone to injury as mine is now)

* I know that it is unrealistic to expect to meet my weight loss goals in one year. In fact, I worry what my health would be if I was at what medicine says should be a healthy weight (this requires losing over half of my weight... scary thought). But what is realistic is to make lifestyle changes that are healthy and also set me up for the eventual achievement of my weight loss goal. My next goal is to lose 10% of my body weight... then to fit into a specific dress size... then to be out of the 200's. And those are before I get to a reasonable, healthy weight. I need to make those baby steps, and make them without short-cuts.

There are probably more reasons (like... if one day I actually met a guy and we married, I'd like to be healthy enough to start a family... just sayin'), but for now, these are enough to get me going.

Adoration

2012-01-12T22:13:00.000-08:00

Tonight was my first time at adoration and I had to ask a friend: Is is normal to cry? To react like that after a visit with the body and blood of Christ?

I had no idea what to expect, having only read about it from a blogger (another convert) and even then I was confused. What were we supposed to do? Do we sit there? Was I suppose to know something ahead of time to pray or say or sing? Do I genuflect? Are we sitting or kneeling? Why is Father dressed up? This room is amazing! Is that St. Terese in the corner?

It was when the Eucharist was exposed that I knew something was different. In the center of the monstrance was no longer a simple wafer. In the glow of the candle light, the wafer became flesh. I was brought back to anatomy lab years ago when in awe of the complexities of the human body, I knew that God indeed existed. To me, looking at the center of the monstrance, through this mystical portal, I was seeing a small glimpse of human flesh. As though Christ himself was present and (in my insufficient, human terminology) VERY much alive and kicking.

I don't know why I wanted to cry.

When I left, I wanted to run home... To hide under my covers and cry and sleep. I felt so... insufficient. Not the same kind of insufficient as when old classmates or family give you judging looks because you didn't measure up to their standards of what you should be doing/accomplishing in your life. No, the kind of insufficient that puts things into perspective. The kind that allows me to see, with a bit more clarity than I had, just how weak and human I was, and how I could never fully appreciate what Christ did for us because of this human condition of ours. Our capacity for anything is limited. For understanding, for caring... for expressing love to another as we are loved.... for even recognizing just how much we are loved and cared for. We are limited, but God... He is so much bigger, and so much better, and much more than we give Him credit for.

Fit Friday: Changes

2012-01-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

It doesn't matter what the topic of conversation: losing weight, getting fit, getting rid of a bad habit or forming a good one... even the formation of routines to make the day, the housework, the prayer life... all become second-nature. With all these changes, the discussion was the same.

There are three things needed before we ever come to the point where we are enthusiastically acting on our intent to change. First, we have to make the change more enticing and palatable than the habit we're leaving behind. Unless the desire is great, and our belief in a successful change is felt whole-heartily, we will never succeed at getting to where we want ourselves to be.

Example: Vices

Vices are fun. You think they're fun. I think they're fun. Even a priest told me they are fun (he hears things. ...he takes confession). But they're not vices just because they're fun. I like various styles of swing dance. I think it's fun, and most dancers will tell you that the majority of the styles leave plenty of "room for baby Jesus" between the two partners. Nothing wrong with that. But the only way a person will ever change ...or want to change... is if the desire to change far outweighs the memory of the fun they had with the vice.

The second requirement for change is the belief that the change (the end goal) is achievable.

Example: Eating Healthy

I can go gung-ho and overhaul my kitchen. I can buy textbooks and fill my fridge with fruits and veggies and other ingredients for healthy meals... but if I make this overwhelming, if I change so much at once that I think to myself that it would be impossible to maintain... then everything would be a waste of time and money. If I think learning how to cook is too hard, or just completely dislike the food choices, I won't want to continue. I will subconsciously self-sabotage my efforts until I outright quit.

The last requirement is in the outlook. If you think things are short-term, you'll quickly fall back on your old habits as soon as you tell yourself you're through changing. But if you see this as long term, as a lifestyle change and more as an on-going effort (rather than a short-term, quick fix) you are more likely to stick with it.

Example: Weight Loss

Anyone who has lost weight and kept it off will tell you that it's a lifestyle, not a temporary solution. They tell you that you will use the tools and habits you've picked up while losing the weight, to then maintain that weight loss. Those who succeed, do so because there really isn't an end to it. Each day, they build or continue habits formed to achieve the body (and lifestyle) they have.

It's the same for so many things: committing yourself to daily prayer, to reducing your risk of heart disease or diabetes... to learning how to read.

Change can work for us. It can help us to be successful in becoming the person we want to be. But we've got to show up and do what it takes. I've thought about it a lot this week, and one three very different occasions, have found myself realizing more and more just how badly I want changes to stick this year.

You, whomever you are... I don't know what changes are in store for you (both those you intended, and those that simply happened to you), but I hope those changes shape you into a better version of yourself and that you're aware of how amazing it is to be able to grow and change in the first place.

Sunday Best: Happy New Year

2012-01-01T00:02:00.000-08:00

Keeping this short and to the point as I'm way past ready for bed, and likely, you are either a) drunk/hungover/partied WAY too much to care; or b) are like me and want to sleep and get on with things already.

First ... Happy New Year.

Second, I had the most amazing talk with someone I just met the other day (who is here with family, visiting our family). Our talk about a lifestyle change (healthy habits and all...) turned into a pep talk of sorts that left me encouraged and better prepared for the wall I'm going to hit in a month when I'll want to quit, but really just need to keep plugging in to what I'm trying to do and make it past that eventual hurdle.

Third, over on Conversion Diary, Jennifer Fulwiler set up this patron saint name generator. Last year I was not satisfied with one name, and ended up with two. This year, I ... did the same. I chose two: St. Philip Neri and St. Martha.

Accountability (and the New Year Approacheth)

2011-12-30T15:38:00.000-08:00

Earlier today I nearly finished a book when I had the urge to write about something I discovered while reading... This (the writing down of my epiphany) never happened.

Somewhere in the middle of this epiphany was the idea of looking at things with new eyes. The book itself was a discourse on love (eros and agape, both as they were intended and as modern culture interprets them) and there are gems in each chapter leading the reader to their own moment of awareness, a taste of the kind of love the author speaks of in our limited, human vocabulary. But it seems only fitting as the new year approaches that the subject of change should come up.

I don't want to set resolutions that I'm bound to fail or forget entirely, and in any case, this whole blog is my witness to change. The change in subject matter as I rely less on videos, venting and challenges, and more towards sharing what I spend my evenings thinking on. Well, not everything I think of. Just recently I was involved in a discussion on actors from Star Trek and their non-Trek roles. You wouldn't be seeing much of that here. But the journey of faith, the awareness of what influences me to the core, and even the accountability in sharing (even if I think no one is listening) the things that hurt or scare me.

And oh, that word! ...accountability... when it comes to my own health, I am aware of changes needed but proceed to put everything else above that which is vital to my continued existence. Even now, I hesitate to take steps that I must take, preferring to put them off so that I can enjoy the present moment (or more accurately, enjoy the possibility of a lovely evening doing something I enjoy).

Perhaps, for a change, I should spend less time concerned about what I could be doing to celebrate the new year, and instead stay home, put on my records, and prepare for the changes that Sunday's arrival brings.

Perhaps, I should let go of the hurts and grudges, and truly start the year fresh and unburdened by the past misgivings I clutch to.

Perhaps, as the book I was reading so clearly pointed out, I should accept the love that is freely given to me, "to be open and receive ... We must receive before we give. We must be filled up before we can pour out. If we do not, we will find the love God calls us to impossible, and we will inevitably settle for a love of our own invention."

Perhaps... I should stop contemplating and actually start.

Fit Friday: Special Christmas Edition

2011-12-25T13:10:00.001-08:00

Initial weigh in before officially beginning my "must fit into this dress for Easter" fitness plan.

This is our fifth or seventh attempt at getting my grandma to take a photo on my phone...in a row. To quote her: "don't ask me to do this again."

Day 0: Christmas Day
Mood: fine and motivated till taking this photo
Weight: 300.5
Weight change: +/- 0 lbs
Dress/pant size: 24/26
Size change: +/- 0

Why on earth am I posting this? Simply put, accountability.

One More Sleep...

2011-12-24T12:03:00.000-08:00

Blessings

2011-12-22T13:54:00.001-08:00

Sometimes a mealtime blessing is more than just blessing the meal. It's thanking God from every fiber of your being for being able to splurge on buttermilk bread, swiss cheese and Mendocino Mustard... For the combination of flavors and textures that turn a simple sandwich into a glorious entree... For the simple fact that I am fed, and that at least one of my most basic needs are once again met.

Amen

Asking

2011-12-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

This may be a question that no one can answer.

I started the evening thinking about asking. At what point to we learn that it's not okay to ask things of others? Why bother teaching kids that they can ask for anything, and demonstrate that you (as a parent) will comply when you're going to turn around and single out a kid for actually asking for something?

And then the guilt sets in. I feel incredibly guilty for being upset. I have a smartphone, a new Kindle and now, the crucifix pendant I had searched months to find. In spite of what my near-empty room says (take it from me, it's rather spartan, lacking in... things) I honestly believe I have a lot. So why am I so upset?

It actually has nothing to do with the incident that triggered this post. What is bothering me goes back to all those crime shows and true stories of socially-stunted individuals-turned-spree/serial murderers. There often will be a reference to their childhood or young adulthood, where they experienced either trauma, or an unstable environment. I'm not saying I experienced trauma, but in regards to the woman that raised me... it still befuddles me as to why I continue to hope that she means what she says when she says anything. I hang my hopes on empty promises, and when she denies things (like, this evening for example) I am devastated. I feel guilty for something that is beyond my control and isn't necessarily mine to receive blame for.

I take blame for the messes of others...
...for when she forgets that she gave something away, then insists I did it behind her back...
...for when she changes her mind on something we put a lot of work into doing for her...
...for when things go south, money goes missing, things don't get done immediately...
...for when I don't fit her ever-changing ideal.

It's no wonder I'm too afraid to enter into a relationship! I have such a hard time finding stable ground in the most basic of relationships (parent/child). I see the effects in my daily life: I expect much of myself and others; my living spaces are organized and simple; I rarely sit down to eat, eating on the go as I anticipate having to get up and fetch something at any moment; I have no middle ground, no stability. Things are one extreme or another much of the time.

In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it is what drives my faith: The idea of a Father who doesn't leave you, a Mother who is there to guide you home (to Church; in your faith), a cadence in how we worship, how we live... a stability that naturally flows from actively living and practicing your faith that is otherwise absent from my home.

Maybe the question isn't at what point is it not okay to ask... but why is it that we don't ask more often.

When we need help, be they great or small, shouldn't we be asking for help from those who seem to have a bit more experience with this life stuff than ourselves?

An Honest Status Update: a semi-rant

2011-12-12T21:59:00.000-08:00

I read an article recently discussing social media and the effect on our perception of happiness (our own and the happiness of others). If I jumped on this when I first read it, I would have linked you to the article so you could read for yourself. I suppose finding it would be moot, as I'm not really addressing the article anyhow. However, at one point, the author mentions findings relating to people and Facebook statuses. Individuals in this group reported feeling worse about themselves after reading the status updates of others (or photos of events where the other person is made to appear as though they are happy). The individuals would view the friend as being happy based on the status/update, and basically make the other person out to be happier than they are, and themselves to be worse off.

This is just an observation, but isn't it sad that for all this technology... for all the ways in which we are plugged in and connected to the world around us, we don't actually connect with other people. Connecting with someone online can be vastly different than connecting with someone in real life. Online, we speak our minds and say or do what most of us wouldn't in our daily lives. We even go so far as to manipulate social media to portray a state of being that we don't fully occupy. Single, in a relationship, supporter of this, follower of that, excited, upset. How often are we actually honest? I mean fully and truly honest? Right now, if I were honest with those around me, my status would say "detached". In fact, I'm hoping that by walking around this week, looking at Christmas lights or seeing the excitement of little ones as they visit Santa may somehow rub off on me. Perhaps I'll find my Christmas spirit in time for Christmas. Or maybe, I'll begin to thaw and feel like once again, I'm a part of the world around me instead of a distant observer.

But we don't say this. We put a positive spin on it (if a dramatic one will not suffice).

"Looking forward to (insert event here)"
instead of "I'm lonely and need to be around people. Maybe then I'll feel normal."

"Who cares... it's their loss."
instead of "I care... It's my loss too."

"I'm excited for you! Congrats!"
instead of "I should be happy for you, but it makes me realize how I ache for that same thing."
Maybe it's just me. I log on and post to my blog for my own sanity. I get these out, typed into the word processing program, and submit it. Out of habit, I share a link to Facebook in case someone is bored and happens to cross paths with these thoughts, in the hopes that should someone find themselves reading these lonely posts, that they read and find within them something that makes sense. A new perspective, some food for thought or even just the knowledge that somewhere in the world, there is some strange girl, sitting at her computer, thinking and feeling the same as you.

A-Ha Advent

2011-12-11T23:17:00.000-08:00

I have had trouble really understanding Advent ever since I first heard of it a year or two ago. Advent is a calendar... a group of weeks leading to Christmas. Nothing more if only because I don't really understand much more than that. But this evening at Mass, something clicked. It had been said time and again that Advent was a time of waiting, of anticipation, and of preparation.
Let me back up a bit...

We've been boxing things up, making repairs and doing some last minute remodeling. A number of big projects have wrapped up, but a few (painting the guest room, re carpeting the house, finish off the bathroom...) seem to creep up on us with a deadline looming like ...something that looms. As a family, we needed to wrap things up by Christmas as we found ourselves expecting family to arrive for the new year. The painting had to be completed before the carpet goes in, everything had to be boxed and moved somewhere so that the guys could lay the carpet in under 3 days... then small things were added to the list. Finishing touches that could be done as we got to them to make things look a bit more finished than they were. And the boxes. Stacks and stacks of boxes full of things we owned but didn't necessarily need. We would need to go through each as we put the house back together in anticipation of our guests...

Anticipation...

In our house, we're not running around, buying expensive baubles to wrap and display amongst a lavish Christmas scene... no decorating for us this year. We've been wrapped up in preparing for guests, getting our house ready. I've felt so guilty, but in a way... that's what Advent is about. We're preparing our homes, ourselves, for a special guest. Yes, in our case, the guest is my grandfather's son (a relative we haven't seen in some time), but in the same way, we busy ourselves with work to prepare for his arrival. We anticipate the celebration that comes with this reunion.

Anticipation...

That's part of what Advent is about, right?

Anticipating the arrival.

(comments/questions in the box)

Sunday Best: Charlie Clause

2011-12-10T22:24:00.001-08:00

He sees you when you're sleeping...
He knows when you're awake...
He knows when you're ready for bed
Cause that's when he'll want to play (fetch).

Sick Days

2011-12-10T22:17:00.000-08:00

I don't like being sick. It's a forced rest that I find incredibly inconveniencing. It does however, come with an upside: humor. When I take medicine for things (usually congestion, cold, allergies...) not only do I have side effects that make me feel worse, but I tend to find things hilarious or otherwise more profound than they should be.

Here are a few examples of why being sick can be entertaining (to others):

* While watching a live-action "Fairly Oddparents" movie, I found the ending rather inspiring. Timmy, though now an adult, finally got the girl, got his fairy godparents back, and together they set out in a technicolor van to use Timmy's future wishes to help others in need. If I had my computer at the time, There would be an entire blog post rambling on about the need for altruism and vans full of wish-granting CGI faeries.

* I carry on lively conversations with actual people... this doesn't always happen.

* Feet... when under blankets... can look like flippers. I just discovered this.

* My face takes on a funny look when I'm trying to sneeze. Unfortunately, I'll spend hours unable to hold a conversation partly because of the constant feeling of having to sneeze (yet, it never comes!)

* The most devastating thing that can happen is running out of Kleenex and the inevitable "Nooooooo!" that comes out in a nasally way. This too, is funny.

* Big words: I have to type slowly and really concentrate to get them right. Otherwise "ominous" becomes something not-so-threatening, like "omi-nomi-nominous".

* I have a tendency to sit and watch random tv shows when I'm sick....and then somehow believe that the characters are real, or that they've been in situations that have not aired on tv. Like believing that Matthew Grey Gubler's character from Criminal Minds (Dr. Spencer Reid... yes, I had to look it up) is not only real, but that he was in an episode where he goes on a road trip to Vegas, and gets left behind at a Starbucks as a joke, but then the guys come back to get him and they all ride off in a restored muscle car from the 70's....
It was totally awesome, and totally a figment of my imagination.

*Random facts become even more amazing. For example, finding out that it really was Richard Harris singing on my 60's radio station! I don't know what was more shocking: confirming that it was indeed, a young Dumbledore himself... singing! ...or that there was a third "Horse" movie and I've yet to see it. (For those who don't know, Richard Harris was in many films before Harry Potter, including the westerns "A Man Called Horse" and "Return of the Man Called Horse", both of which I've seen. Want to really blow your mind? Go watch "Caprice" with Harris and Doris Day and keep reminding yourself that this guy will one day be Headmaster at Hogwarts.)

* I start speaking to animals in lyrics. It's unfortunate, because our dog cannot appreciate the humor of quoting Outkast's "Ms. Jackson" in everyday conversation. ("Forever? Forever-ever? ForEVER-EVER?")

* I'm overly sensitive. Or at least, I think that's how you'd describe it. Maybe "heightened awareness of emotional states"??? My natural defenses are down, so when I feel lonely, nostalgic, guilt-ridden... giddy, elated, exhausted... I REALLY feel it. I can't pretend I'm not as lonely as I really am, or rationalize why it's not a good idea to call or visit relatives I haven't seen in sometime (even if I miss them). When I get angry, I lie to myself and take the blame for the whole situation, or stuff it down as though it's no big deal because the other party carries on like it's no big deal. But when I'm sick and upset at someone or something, I get this feeling like I want to sit and scowl at the offending party (because I would fail at using words to express just about everything until the worst of this cold passes... and I'd just sound funny if I did say something).

* And lastly, though not necessarily funny: My outlook on my life is incredibly bleak. Not only do I self-quarantine and don't hear from anyone when I'm sick (exception: mom), but I come to realize that even in the day-to-day, I'm rather cut-off. I get scared off by social situations (just this week I panicked and skipped a last minute invite to a Christmas event and opted instead to go home and pack up a bedroom). In the event that I'm cut off from even those I'm comfortable with, I drift more and more toward the leaning that all social interaction is a wash, and that I should scrap the whole thing altogether. It's not what I want, but a lot of people don't realize how much I have to fight on a daily basis to keep from giving up on humanity in general and basically becoming an emotionally-calloused hermit.
I already know that I'm rather socially inept and will at times say or do things that are awkward or inappropriate, but at 27, I'm STILL trying to figure out how to communicate with others. In fact, the majority of this whole last point was to be it's own post (and may still be). But how desperate for interaction must I be when I have to post to Facebook that I'm down with a head cold... and it goes relatively ignored. Moving on...

...where was I?

Oh, yes...

I hate being sick. That's all I really wanted to say.

Sunday Best: Fog

2011-11-27T22:06:00.001-08:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year.
Not everyone will agree because of weather here. But in our neck of the woods, we don't get snow.... We get dense fog.

Book Club Books and Other Themes

2011-11-26T00:36:00.000-08:00

At the end of a brief conversation regarding book clubs, a challenge was issued to come up with books that a group of 20-somethings would be interested in reading. Here are my suggestions:

Books about book clubs

What better idea to kick off a book club than to read a book about a book club! Even better, my choice ("The Jane Austen Book Club" by Karen Joy Fowler) was made into a movie. You could read the book, then watch the movie as a group! Even better, each member could discuss which Austen novel they best fit with (just as the characters of TJABC did.) There is even a series called "The Mother Daughter Book Club" if you continue down the road of books about book clubs.

The Hunger Games

The only reason I could see myself willingly reading this is to a) see what the hub-bub is (something that has been hit-and-miss when it comes to discovering good stories) and b) because the series is being adapted for the big screen. But hey, there are three books in the series...

A Series of Unfortunate Events

I almost forgot about this one. Technically, I still haven't finished the series as I've yet to complete my reading of the last book. Yes, they turned the first three books into a movie that is entertaining, yet extremely mixed up (book one is split in two, with some action moved toward the end of the movie and after the scenes from books two and three). However, SoUE happens to be a delightful read about three orphans and a seemingly unending series of mishaps, mystery and random tangents by the author. As much as I don't like re-reading things, I'd gladly re-read this entire series, and there are plenty of books in this series.

Den of Shadows series

I first read "Demon in my View" by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes years ago... back when there were only two books out by this author. What I loved about the Den of Shadows series is that the two vampire characters in 'Demon' are depicted as good and bad. When I went back and read the first book in the series, "In the Forest of the Night", the roles of the two characters were reversed. You could read this series out of order and be fine, but your perspective on a few central characters all depends on which book you read first.

John Green Books

I'm a nerd, and I know it. I also know that this award winning young adult novelist has a new book due to be out in January called "The Fault in Our Stars" which I really would like to read. I would also like to read his other books, but I've yet to do it.

"The Devil and Miss Prym"

I have only read three or four books by Paulo Coehlo, but this is one I would recommend to anyone. There is good and evil, strategy, the best and worst of people and small town mentality. There isn't a way I can describe how much I wish others would read this book than to say I really loved it and would actually read it multiple times. ...and that I wish they made this into a movie so others could experience it. If you read this and like it, try "Veronika Decides to Die". These two are probably my favorites (even if I list "The Alchemist" as my favorite.. a book I've read at least a dozen times, and purchased 4 times that I can recall).

Crossover books

You know these books. They draw upon the fan base of an original concept, but adapt it to include things like zombies or Sasquatch.
"Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" (and their lineage..."Dawn of the Dreadfuls" and "Dreadfully Ever After")
"Sense and Sensibility and Sea Monsters"
"Mansfield Park and Monsters" (really... you could do a whole series on Austen monster novellas)
"Emma and the Werewolves"
"Northanger Abby and Angels and Demons" (all we need is a version of "Persuasion")
"Jane Austen: Blood Persuasion" (...nevermind)
"Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter"
"Queen Victoria: Demon Hunter"
"Jane Slayre"
"Android Kerenina"
not to mention "Goodnight iPad" and "The Zombie Night Before Christmas"

I Am Thankful

2011-11-24T07:05:00.000-08:00

I had every intention of posting a bunch of pictures from around town and being all "Ooh, look how lovely it is this time of year" or "Doesn't this just make you want to grab a cup of cider and snuggle in a big comfy sweater by the fire?"

...but no.

I had to go to Starbucks and buy an overpriced cup of "I need this to stay awake for three more hours because I refused to go to bed last night" and drove away feeling like a total heel.

The thing is, it's Thanksgiving here in America. It's a day when we're all supposed to express our gratitude for things like family, friends... two days off so that we can watch the game/shop/indulge in a 24-hour marathon of "A Christmas Story". If you are reading this, then in fact you and I and our fellow readers have so much to be thankful for. I may be a bit pessimistic in saying this but, I'm almost certain the word "sacrifice" or the phrase "doing without" conjures up thoughts of giving up your daily coffee, your weekly or monthly movie/dinner date, or even skipping that trip to some event you kinda wanted to go to and might be a bit bummed to miss out on.

And this is why I feel like a heel.

Every town has people who ask for food or change, search for streets and garbage bins for recyclables... Sometimes we pretend they don't exist (they do) or that our town doesn't have them (we do) or that it's not a big deal (it is). Sometimes we acknowledge their existence and think the worst of them. We perceive them as lazy, scam artists and the like. Other times we pretend not to see them because seeing them would mean having to do something about it. At the very least, it means having to confront the reality that many of us avoid making eye-contact with anyone obviously down-and-out because we perceive ourselves to be better than they in some way. So what do we do? Do we hurl harsh words at the woman silently holding the cardboard sign? Do we lie, and say we have nothing to give? Perhaps we can just give them a smile and drive on in our nice, big, heated cars?

You could be like me and waffle on whether to carry out a warm sandwich to a person, and then completely put your foot in your mouth by telling them that they must be cold outside in the wee hours of the morning. (Yes, this morning with my lack of sleep and not enough caffeine, I became Captain Obvious and wanted to slap myself immediately after the fact).

This gives me one more thing to be thankful for: awareness. This morning for me was rather uncomfortable in knowing that I wanted to go through the drive-thru rather than pass by three people trying to keep warm outside of a coffee shop. But in seeing most of the other cars take that route rather than walk in, I realized my insensitivity towards someone (in this case... three someones) who seemed in worse shape than I. That my avoidance is just another way of dehumanizing them. When their humanity is gone... then what?
It may sound harsh. It may sound shallow. It may sound completely wrong when worded improperly. But I'm am so very thankful to know that I am blessed, that I am lucky enough to have what I have.

Sunday Best: Julie & Julia... and Your Opinion

2011-11-20T13:49:00.000-08:00

I should first thank my grandmother and her affinity for the Lifetime network. Had she not insisted that her tv remain set to LMN (Lifetime Movie Network) then I likely would go on having not seen "Julie & Julia" while visiting with family this weekend.

The thing that first grabbed me about the movie was Julie and her reasoning for the blog she started. Amy Adams (as Julie) has this line about never finishing what she starts, and having this deep need to not just write but to establish self-discipline with a self imposed deadline. This brought me back to a blog that I put on hiatus. The blog, One Year, Second Chance was started as a one year project to complete as many things as I could on an epic to-do list. I tried lowering my carbon footprint, reading the Bible in one year (I was one book shy of completing that one), paying down my debt and trying things that I've wanted to try but never made time for.

Flash forward to two years later, and I struggle to continue writing a blog with no purpose. I entered the second year not having clear goals for it and lost whatever discipline I had established in writing the thing in the first place. My own thoughts echoed those of Julie when desperately trying to explain to her mother why she needed this one thing (writing the blog). I needed that one thing, my blog, to try one and work through a number of things I thought I wanted in my life.

At the same time I felt OY, SC begin to crumble, I fleshed out ideas for what I really wanted. I still wanted to write, but OY, SC was scattered in focus. It would take a lot of work and a revamp to resurrect it. Even now, after I thought I came to a decision... I'm still torn between overhauling my original blog, or starting fresh here.

But part of writing, the reason I like blogging, is communication with readers. So I leave it to you, dear reader...

Completely overhaul "One Year..."
Make a clean break and stay with Scribbles and Bits
Or, merge the two (Overhaul "One Year", use the title "Scribbles and Bits".... etc)

Vote in the comment box.

In Whatever You Do, "Be Excellent To Each Other"

2011-11-15T22:14:00.000-08:00

"Only in the unfolding of the history of our lives and its events

is the eternal plan of God revealed to each of us."

- Bl. John Paul II, Christifideles Laici

I love history. Have I ever mentioned that?

While reading what at first glance should have been an easy read on personal vocations, I found myself entranced with the bits of history sprinkled throughout. What seemed to be trivia aimed at giving a historical backing to the author's thesis took on a life of it's own as a parallel and eye-opening story of mankind exploring, officiating and then denouncing roles in life.

One thing that strikes me (and has been a hot button issue of mine for years) is in the value we place on some roles while through words or actions, steal both value and dignity of other roles. Take professions for example: We still tell children to dream of becoming noble things like doctors and (to an extent) religious figures and teachers. These are professions held high in standards and esteem. Then you have politicians and corporate bigwigs whose positions are not only seen as corrupted, but (as the trend goes in news coverage and entertainment alike) both are portrayed as villains to the low and middle-class protagonist.

However, the one that irks me with every article I read on the role of women is that of housewife. For decades, it has been akin to a dirty word. While we may not be explicit about it, "housewife" conjures up the an amalgamation of the housewife of old (by old, I mean 1959 at the latest), televised housewives with "Real" in the title, and the stereotype of the "lazy/drug-addict/welfare case/worst example of motherhood we have in our arsenal".

(Note: I do not believe that stay at home moms are lazy, addicts, on welfare, bad moms or otherwise using others/the "system" as some sort of cop-out. This is just the usual reaction when I listen to people talk discuss housewives as well as the perspectives given from mainstream articles on stay at home moms)

"Marriage was a mere concession to weakness... it was certainly not a path to perfection

-- or so held the cultural prejudice of (Thomas) More's age."

-Gereald Wegemer, biographer of Thomas More

Thomas More lived in a time when men had a choice (women, on the other hand.... not so much). Marriage was a hindrance to the potential a man had toward greatness in the arena he chose. Today, I am dismayed when I see both sexes treat marriage or the role of parent as a hindrance to what they can do or become.

Marriage isn't a concession to weakness.

Choosing to stay at home because it's the best way you can care for your family... not a cop-out.

We are each given skills, interests, desires... the combination of which we are to use in wherever it is we find ourselves. Not everyone was created to practice law, to sing, to design the structures that make up the view from our windows. And not everyone was meant to become a priest, a mother, a teacher. Who are we to say that one person's focus in life is of more value than another, or that they (or we, for that matter) know what each person should do with their life.

We are called to do many things, to be many things. One thing we are all called to, is excellence-- to do OUR best in whatever it is we are doing. Throughout history, it is when we strive toward the virtue of excellence that we all move forward. Not because so-and-so became a doctor or chose to home school their children. No, because in whatever role they occupied, they strove to do their best in that role.

Sunday Best: The Most Adorable Thing I've Seen (All Week)

2011-11-12T18:40:00.000-08:00

I hate being sick, but the few days recuperating ultimately led me to discovering this rendition of the 60's Batman series that is nothing short of adorable. Here is all three parts to "The Amazing Adventures of Little Batman".

I Would Go Out Tonight (But I Haven't Got A Stitch To Wear)

2011-11-11T20:21:00.000-08:00

Not many of us wear clothing purely for practical reasons. When allowed, we tend to choose things that make us feel good, look good, or conform to some sort of social norm to allow for the high opinion of others to befall upon us. Even those who dress in a way as to make them stand out or otherwise be "different" from the norm, do so to make a statement or fit into one sub-culture or another.

We wear things in other ways as well. We wear our hearts on our sleeves, that is to say, we display our emotions openly...but to what purpose? In Shakespeare's Othello, Iago feigns openness and vulnerability so that others believe he is loyal. Read the status updates on social media sites to see the openness of others as they share their blessings and woes.

Still, others may wear scars, both seen and unseen. I'm reminded this week of both the physical and emotional scars we carry. From the children I see each day with bumps, bruises and stitches, to a particular emotional scar that runs two decades deep and is felt each time I see the news feed on Facebook.

What we wear, in most cases, is in essence a language. We wear things to express something about ourselves. Lately, I have had in me no fight, nothing overt to express, so I have found myself in plain clothes. One day's attire blends in with the next, much like the weather of late. With the exception of this blog, I don't get personal and connect with others as I use to in the belief that in the end, opening up to others means getting hurt.

This brings me back to the question: To what purpose do we express that which we express?

The short answer is... connection.

We share verbally and otherwise in order to seek out someone to connect with us and affirm our existence. Somewhere inside, we each want to know that we are known, that we are heard.

What are you trying to say today?

***
(Today's title comes from "This Charming Man" by The Smiths... a song that still remains stuck in my head.)

Sunday Best: Sad Panda, Ojos Negros

2011-11-06T17:24:00.001-08:00

I spent the weekend debating whether to post my favorite photo from the past week, or something a bit more musical. ...so I went with both.

Halloween has passed, but of all the photos from Halloween this is still my favorite. I call him... Sad Panda.

And just try listening to this song while staring at Sad Panda. I dare you.
It's a shorter arrangement of one of my favorite songs.

Kempis and Tea

2011-11-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

I realize this doesn't seem to be my usual fare, but bear with me. For weeks now, I've adjusted to a new daily routine that is less... occupied (for lack of a better term). In a way, I have been withdrawn, keeping close to home. But at the same time, I've found myself to be with a sense of purpose, productive in a meaningful way. Though painful at first for reasons I really don't want to discuss, I have grown to enjoy the calmness that have enveloped my days.

"So long as we live in the world we cannot be without tribulation and temptation."

Just when I settle into a new-found peace about things, I am reminded of my errors and want nothing more than to be at peace again and to be forgiven. But I am my own harshest master, refusing to forgive or forget what I have done. I didn't want to drag them with me, but the repercussions of the choices I've made in my past weigh heavily at the moment.

Isn't that how it is? We make a choice, say or do something stupid, slip up in our demeanor and pay dearly. We lose reputations, jobs, the good favor of friends and loved ones. Some people pay with their lives, and some, pay in other ways which they must live with for the rest of theirs. We all give into temptations. We all go through tribulations. And all of us, be it in our own lives or the lives of others, will fixate on those choices.

"It is good for us that we sometimes have some wearinesses and crosses;

for they often call a man back to his own heart;

that he may know that he is here in banishment, and may not set his trust in any worldly thing."

Thomas Kempis has been my companion these past few weeks. We sit most evenings, I with my tea and he in the form of a book. I digest his words, one dense chapter at a time, and reflect on how in both good and bad times, he teaches me a different way to live.

A few weeks ago, it felt like I was living in banishment. I was hurt. In the end, I guess you could say it was a good hurt. My day, now void of the usual communications with others, gave way to time for reflection and reading. There were things in need of prayer. Things in need of further study or action. And by the week's end, I took action to make some necessary choices happen. I sold things to pay off a credit card completely and moved the majority of my things out to be sold or donated. The more physical things that left the room, the easier it was for the rest to go. The easier it was for a lot of things, actually. I began to felt lighter, unbound from an unnamed burden.

"When a man of goodwill is afflicted, tempted, or troubled with evil thoughts;

then he understandeth better the great need he hath of God, without whom

he perceiveth he can do nothing that is good."

I'm not a saint, nor do I want to come across as overly pious, but I did learn that the more I rooted myself in faith, the more at peace I was. Just as when you give up a bad habit and replace it with a healthy one, you feel the difference in your body and how you operate in general. You know the difference, and you'll do more to keep from slipping back into the old habits. So I redoubled my efforts. I reread chapters for our RCIA class, talked with women who devote their lives to service and surrender to God's call and began again to ask questions of how we live out our faith practically in the day-to-day. And then, I began to put it into action. Small, feeble steps at first. Prayer before meals, at the start of my day... imperfect, but a start.

"Fight like a good soldier:

and if thou sometimes fall through frailty,

take again strength greater than the former,

trusting in My more abundant Grace..."

I have made mistakes in my life. What should matter is not the constant reminder of this, but that I get back up when reminders knock me down... and in doing so, strive to grown stronger in all means.

*all quotes from "The Imitation of Christ" by Thomas Kempis

The Prison Angel and The Second Chance

2011-10-31T23:36:00.000-07:00

After listening to a discussion earlier today, I started thinking about a book called "The Prison Angel". I read this book years ago and what I remember about it is this woman's determination. "Impossible" is not in her vocabulary, or if it is, it's a word she overrides with "faith", "justice" and "dignity for fellow man".

I hear people say "I wish I could do more" or "I could do that (whatever that may be), but I have (insert obligation or comfort they don't want to give up)". And when you think about your average Christian participating in some sort of outreach or volunteer service, it's often separate from their "normal life/routine" and is something close, easy and takes up no more than a few hours of their time each week. But for Mary Clarke (also known as "Sister Antonia"), something so accommodating to one's own life would be almost unthinkable.

Without giving everything away (because it really is a fascinating story), Sister Antonia traded in what has been called her "Beverly Hills life" to live and serve in La Mesa State Penitentiary in Mexico. Who among us would give up the comforts we're accustomed to serve and attempt to restore humanity to people written off by society?

To an extent, this was a theme in "The Second Chance", a movie I was finally able to watch. Though fictional and rather light in the intensity department, "The Second Chance" also explores this idea of going out of our comfort zone and being changed in a way in which we can hear and follow the call to serve.

Take your pick, but if you're looking to break from the norm and read something with a little bit of meat and heart, try "The Prison Angel".

Sunday Best: Halloween Edition

2011-10-29T22:32:00.000-07:00

I joke with those who see this dog in person, that he LOVES to eat people.

...here is Charlie the dog, er... cannibal.
(pictured with his new favorite toy, a severed hand Halloween prop)

Oregon Trail

2011-10-28T20:03:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's as though most of us live our lives as though we're in some modern version of Oregon Trail. You know... the computer game where you travel on a computerized adventure from Missouri to Oregon, losing people and oxen along the way. Instead of dysentery or cholera, our quest to make it through the day (or week... or month...) is interrupted with little annoyances like.... "You have ants." Maybe not ants so much as a leaky roof, a flat tire, an unexpected bill or perhaps the dog got out of the yard again.

Little things that derail us from our attempt to just get by.

...At what point did life become a single-player game?

A Piece of Trivia

2011-10-24T20:59:00.001-07:00

My love for history and trivia knows no bounds. My favorite stories and shows involve time travel. My favorite college classes were Art History and Ancient Philosophy. For a number of years, I fantasized about becoming an archaeologist, a historian... or even a photographer for National Geographic. Even the comments on my senior project were advice to go into business as a consultant for game shows.

Yeah, I love history and trivia.

For me, and maybe for you too, the trivia and historical context make things like Biblical readings come alive. For example, the dove to you and me is a symbol of peace. Aside from that, it's just a bird. A boring, white bird, seen perhaps at a wedding or as the object pulled from a magician's hat.

When Jesus walked the earth, the dove was more than that. The dove was one of the animals used for sacrifice in the temple. The dove was not a sign or representation of the holy spirit. A dove meant sacrifice. And not even "the best" of sacrifices. The dove was on the cheap end of the sacrificial animal scale. Don't have much coin? Chances are you'll be getting the dove, not the ram.

Knowing this changed how I read biblical stories involving the dove. Just this bit of trivia gave more weight to things like the appearance of the dove at the baptism of Jesus. Jews at that time would have seen the dove's appearance as more of a portend to what was to come: Jesus' own sacrifice on the cross.

Historical context... trivia... these things help me to understand what I'm studying. It makes it real. It helps me to connect with the original intent of the piece. They break down the barrier of time and translation that often separates us from the things we consider to be classics.

Sunday Best: "Put On Your Sunday Clothes"

2011-10-22T23:07:00.001-07:00

"...there's no blue Monday in your Sunday clothes."

The Way

2011-10-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

I was listening to an interview with Martin Sheen and Emilio Estevez discussing their upcoming movie, "The Way".

Five minutes into the interview, Sheen spoke about pilgrims, specifically the American pilgrims. He said that often, the pilgrim will realize that they have over packed. And the thing is, on a pilgrimage, you have to carry your own pack. No one can carry it for you. As the days and miles wear on, the pilgrim starts to ease the burden of their heavy packs. "Do I really need this extra pair of shoes? These books?" The lighten their load, giving up the stuff that weighs them down, the stuff they don't need. And eventually, after the extraneous of the external is shed, the pilgrim turns inward. They lighten the load, release the woes, the personal demons that weigh them down and even the people whom they've yet to forgive. The pilgrimage becomes transformational, in many ways, through the lightening of our burdens.

Sunday Best: Charlie and the Book

2011-10-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

Our family dog, Charlie, took an interest in my vintage book of devotions. For 20 minutes he whined and sought out a way to get to it, until finally, finding an opportunity, he (literally) jumped at it.

He was very upset that I took my devotional back from him (and placed it high on a shelf).

I Confess...

2011-09-26T20:00:00.000-07:00

I'm attempting to learn the "I confess..." as we in the parish begin to use the updated translation. However, I find myself skipping a key line when I attempt to recite it:

"...that I have greatly sinned..."

Kind of important, that line.

We All Get Something Different Out of It

2011-09-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

"Ever go to Mass, and the homily directly applies to whatever has been going on in your life recently?"

It was a text I recieved from a friend, but they were also words I had written time and again over the past three years. I would go to church and leave amazed. It was as if the sermon had been talored to the struggles going on at that time in my life. Lately, I've been feeling rather hopeless about certain things which to some extent, are beyond my control. Needless to say, I could certainly use some words of wisdom right about now.

Today, I sat attentively as the Deacon gave the homily. While words like 'obedience' and 'purpose' echoed loud and clear, it was something else, something I can't even remember clearly that brought to mind a question I once pondered. "Have you ever thought that instead of other people being the answer to your prayers, that maybe you are the answer to theirs?"

I don't know what my friend learned today. Honestly, unless he wants to share, it's none of my business. But I drove home after we were dismissed, wondering if it were possible... if I was somehow, in some way, the answer to someone elses prayers. I questioned whether it really mattered how I felt about myself or my situation. I could be so wrapped up with me that I miss out on blessing someone else in word or deed.

2011-09-18T23:13:00.000-07:00

Just a few quick notes:
* Found out this morning that RCIA begins this week. In fact, it's at the very time I'd normally have dance lessons. ...don't say I've never sacrificed anything in this conversion process ;)

* During the Eucharist, found myself distracted and thinking "...there are more guys my age (relatively speaking) showing up this week!" They were all quickly displaced from my mind when...

* I saw that two Sisters were attending mass (the mass I was at!) and was very excited about it. In fact, I wished I had my camera, or my phone, just so I could ask if I could take my picture with them and chat with the pair for a bit. I've been writing to a few nuns, picking their brains for both my own interest as well as for an upcoming post. I would have loved to have a sit-down with them and ask them a few of the same questions.

* Monday is less than an hour away.

Prologue to a Love Story

2011-09-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

As I sit, it's nearly midnight. Charlie, the family puppy, sleeps beside me (oblivious to the program on iconography that plays on the television). I wish to be like him, to sleep so peacefully... instead I sit awake, reflecting on the curiosities of the past week that finally led me here.

"Have you ever considered becoming a nun?"

The question was posed, innocently enough, in a chat room made up of Catholic singles. It was the second or third time in a matter of days that the subject had come up in conversation. "Yes," I answered, "...though I use to joke that it was my 'Plan-B' for when my career as a flight attendant didn't take off."

The truth was far darker and more revealing than I imagined. Long, complex history aside, I haven't always been Catholic. In fact, it took six years of 'looking into it' before arriving to where I am: On the cusp of my first RCIA class. At the time I first half-heartily told myself that "being a nun was better than being dead," I looked upon Christianity in general with much disdain. For now, let's just leave it at that. But even though I believed such hateful things about most Christians, there was still something pure, something that demanded reverence for those who took vows. And nuns... those women who were anything and everything I didn't want to be, were in a strange way, the one group I'd be honored to be counted among.

I'm not a nun. I still think about it from time to time, but I don't know if I'm cut out to be one. However, their example of sacrifice for their faith, by giving up what the world (what our culture) sees as healthy and normal... that is impressive. In fact, my heroes are nuns. Okay, so one is a woman whose name I forgot (unfortunately) but her story (and the everyday examples of so many others) helped to instill the believe that conformity to the world is overrated. That sacrifice, the kind done with the purest intent, is an act of love that cannot be tainted by this world. It is, in a human sense, the ultimate act of love.

It's this love story... the story of something I cannot fully understand... of humans who go about our lives oblivious to the many ways we are told that we are loved...

It's this story that I write about.